Isabella, Izzy, Iz or Bella was 8lbs 2oz at birth. I had decided as soon as I found out that I was pregnant that I would breast feed, no questions about it, I would be breastfeeding my baby would be able to do it and I would be able to do it and cope with the feeding demands of my baby.
Reality doesn't always work like that.
While I was in hospital I asked for help with breastfeeding, the help (and this has been echoed by other mothers who have been in the same hospital) that I received consisted of baby being placed on a few pillows and my breast being shoved in to the mouth of my baby. I was told that this was right and that I was doing really well. Now weight loss is expected however Iz, at six days old weighed 7lbs 4oz.
This loss of weight made me feel terrible, I was feeding her regularly, OK so night feeds weren't going too well as I was so tired that I wouldn't wake up with my alarms and needed some encouragement from Iz to get up but the rest of the time she was feeding regularly. Thankfully after this she started putting on weight but it was slow, the health visitor was quite rude about it all stating that I wasn't doing my job right as her mum to feed her. Iz started off for the first two weeks seeming satisfied by the breast after 20 minutes on one side and then around 20 minutes on the other, then suddenly at 3 weeks old she changed, she wanted to be on me constantly. We are literally talking from 12noon (sometimes earlier) until 11.30pm when I could finally get her off to bed. In the evenings she would get so angry at me and scratch me and herself, she would kick and scream and I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I had my latch checked by 9 different people, who all said that they couldn't see anything wrong, and that Iz seemed content after her feed...however they would only seem to come round in the morning, which usually was the best time for Izzy, if they were to come round later on in the day they would see how tired we both were and how stressful it was for us both.
I was advised to sleep when my baby slept but there was a problem with this, see she wouldn't sleep during the day and then wouldn't sleep very much at night. I was told that this was just because my baby was inquisitive and active- not because she was hungry, hungry all of the time because I wasn't producing enough for her. (But that is hindsight)
Because of her lack of weight gain my health visitor came round to see us more frequently than most people have, she suggested topping up with formula and so that is what we did and we were able to get a decent block of sleep for the first time in a long time! Although I still panicked when I put her in her moses basket that night, since breastfed babies have a lower risk of SIDS, I stood over her for a long time before my other half coaxed me in to bed. Even though I could see that Izzy was happier after that feed with the top up I continued to breastfeed for the majority of the time and then we started having issues in the nappy department. Iz didn't have a dirty nappy for 4 days, during this time I'd spoken to the health visitor who said anything from 10-14 days without a dirty nappy was fine. On day 4 I went to my doctor who gave me Lactulose and a suppository to give to Iz, however I was not comfortable using the suppository and so gave it a miss and used the lactulose and tried to give her water too which she hated. After 10 days without a dirty nappy I went back to the doctor who sent me straight up to the hospital- long story short they used the suppository and we had a dirty nappy, I don't think that I've been so pleased to see a dirty nappy!
The constant feeding didn't stop, I was starting to use more top ups and I tried to express to keep up my supply. While expressing I was only able to manage 2oz after an hour of trying! I had thought that this was good until she was 4 weeks and 4 days old when I met up with a friend of mine. Her little boy is 2 days younger than Isabella, Izzy and I had been to a clinic that morning and she still wasn't back at birth weight, my friends little boy had already gone way past birth weight and was a healthy chunky little boy. When I looked at Iz all I saw was a very unhealthy looking baby, something that I hadn't seen before, I suppose this was because I hadn't seen her literally next to another baby of her age, she looked tired, thin, pale and HUNGRY. I met up with my friend at around 1.30pm, Izzy was attatched to my boob from then until 4.40 when I needed to go to the toilet, even then she wasn't happy about it. She hadn't been sleeping on me either she was also following a suck, suck, suck, swallow, pause routine. My friend and her little boy would feed every 2 hours and then he would be quiet and then sleep, if I took Izzy off of my boob she would scream the place down. When we talked about expressing she stated that she could manage 4-5oz in 20 minutes, my heart sank.
After this I suppose I started giving up on breastfeeding, I didn't stop but I think that was because I was already feeling guilty about the decision that I knew I was going to have to make. On the Sunday, just two days after seeing my friend I posted about my breastfeeding problem on a forum seeking advice from other people who may have had similar experiences. What I was really asking was did people feel guilty- I hadn't even made the decision but was feeling guilty because I was contemplating what I then thought was the easy option. Someone on this forum was quite frank with me (which was what I needed) he said that we had tried, I had tried really hard but it wasn't working. Izzy wasn't getting what she needed from me, she would get what she needed from formula and lets be honest there is a solution to the problem and that is formula.
The next day when she was 5 weeks old we switched to a formula only diet for Izzy. The change in my baby was immediate, she slept during the day, she was alert and quiet, she was happy! I felt horrible. We're two weeks in now of formula only for my baby and she's gained more weight in those two weeks than she did in the first 5 weeks of her life, she sleeps during the night, she is happier and content, I am happier too. I don't feel like we're any less bonded than my friend is with her little boy. I do still feel guilt at times but it is soon washed away with the nice cuddles that Izzy and I have or the fact that we can spend time having fun and smiling at each other rather than her being on the breast constantly and me feeling rubbish and starting to resent her for being hungry.
We plan on having two children eventually and I will try and breastfeed our next baby too. However I know that next time, IF I have to make the same decision again that I will be able to look at my healthy little girl and know that I made the right decision.
Yes breast may be best but actually, for some people, it isn't possible, practical or an option. I know that I was determined to do what was best for my baby, and I have now done what is best for my baby and me. I am not lazy, I did not do this because I couldn't be bothered or that I was uncomfortable feeding in public...I made this decision for the good of my baby's health and to ensure that our relationship stayed as strong as possible. I wish that I had been informed that breastfeeding isn't easy, or that it doesn't work for everyone, I did the NHS breastfeeding class and I certainly didn't come away with the knowledge that some people find breastfeeding difficult...I came away with the opinion that everyone who has breasts will be able to breastfeed.
I would tell anyone who is considering formula feeding their baby from breastfeeding before 6 months to not feel guilty about it. The way I see it those 5 weeks that I fed my daughter for is better than not feeding her at all. I still feel guilty at times but I'm starting to think of it as more disappointment than guilt, I did not want to make this decision, I wanted to feed my daughter but I know that I have made the right decision now.
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